saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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