i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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