The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
