I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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