No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
