I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
