70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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