She is in my trunk
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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