I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
