Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
