and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
