I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
