I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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