Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
