I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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