you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
