Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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