Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.