My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize