Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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