their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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