my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
