Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
