Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
