Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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