I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize