garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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