Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
