never play flip cup with pint glasses
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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