just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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