You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The power of my boobs compel you
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
