Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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