She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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