so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
