The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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