I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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