your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
