And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
