i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
