Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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