im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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