i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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