i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
