We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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