I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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