dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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