My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
