They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
