I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
