Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
