in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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