My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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