Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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