I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
