peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
false alarm, still single
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