I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
