So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
