I hate your face
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
