My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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