if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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