If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
