so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't deserve a penis
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
