All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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