it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
