What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i now understand why vodka
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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